Although most of my previous blogs have been positive and upbeat, this one is going to be a little different. I feel the need to get to the heart of the matter concerning the many challenges we face with autism in the family. We love our children immensely, but we have such struggles some days, and I know that other families can surely relate if they too are parenting a child with autism.

Sometimes I feel like we landed here from another planet.  We never quite fit in because we just can’t do things that “normal” families do, nor can we go places that other families go regularly. Birthday parties are horrendous because the children often run off and get lost with no locks on the doors, the foods are all off limits due to dietary restrictions, and the boys are very anti-social anyway. Stores are hard to navigate with a screaming one hundred pound child with severely limited communication skills, and shopping malls are out of the question. The one time we went to the local mall it took me, my oldest daughter, and the boys’ therapist to escort them inside and watch them carefully…even then Jacob tried to lean too far over the second story railing, and two of the boys obsessively rode the escalator up and down in an exhausting game of cat and mouse. You see nothing is easy for us! Even church poses quite a problem. It’s hard enough to get several young children and a baby to be quiet during service, but try getting older kids with loud vocal tics to settle down before you get the evil eye from too many people. Can you tell that I have been stressed lately???

There are times that we feel like prisoners in our own home for sure. Our love and commitment to our children is a choice we will never regret, but it brings with it many difficult challenges. We get comments from people who wonder why we don’t “just medicate them” with psychiatric drugs. I don’t bother to explain that before we knew a lot about natural health, we tried a plethora of drugs including anti-psychotics and SSRI’s with no good outcomes. (And a few bad ones including weight gain, new tics, and other side effects that I don’t care to elaborate on.) Others wonder why we continue to have children when there is “something wrong” with the ones that we have. To that comment we take particular offense, because although we don’t rub our religious beliefs in the faces of other people, we are strong in our faith and simply do not believe in birth control as a moral option for us. So we continue to welcome children as the Lord would have it, and we pray for the guidance to keep on doing right by our bunch. It is not a popular opinion, but for us it is the right choice. To this day I will never understand why it bothers some people so much. All I can really conclude is that they can’t imagine living our lives, so they find a reason to knock us for it.

We are continuously judged for our parenting abilities by people who do not understand that autism is a neurological condition that manifests as a behavioral disorder. Some of our own neighbors don’t want the boys to step foot into their driveways or yards which is next to impossible since we share a close property border. They are not being destructive in any way, but still they are harassed for being kids and trying to play outside with their siblings. The problem is that autistic children don’t always like to “play”, and so we have to organize, prompt and redirect all of the time. Picture this: it’s one hundred and five degrees outside in late April or early May here in Phoenix. We are outside with the children after a huge effort to get them dressed and agreeable to keep their clothes on. We take all of the bikes out of the garage, put up the child safety signs at the end of the cul-de-sac, get their helmets on, pour water for everyone, put shoes on, and they are finally ready to ride. Then a neighbor comes out and yells at us because one of the boys swerved into their driveway. We are sorry! We are really doing the best that we can…but can’t kids be kids? Don’t they deserve a little fun out front doing a “normal” activity for a change? I am sadly sure that many of you reading this have also experienced the same thing. If you are not in this position, then hopefully you will be the “nice” neighbor should you live near a child with autism. Oh how we appreciate a little understanding! If you are nice enough to give us some, you may get your ear talked off with gratitude because of it!!

Even family members don’t always understand. They may think you are doing everything wrong, or that your situation is not as difficult as you make it out to be. The reality is that they can go home…they do not have to live our lives and so they can say whatever they want- but in the end it is not them who will be up all night with a raging child or on call twenty-four hours a day for the rest of their lives. In many ways having a large family has been a big blessing to us. There is a lot of work, but also big paybacks. Many of the kids are capable of doing chores now, and so they help to watch their siblings and maintain the house. Yes, we all have jobs and we all help each other out to better function as a family. Outsiders can never comprehend how this can be a livable arrangement, but it works out quite nicely for us. I can’t imagine not having all of my children! I have a few friends with only one child who happens to have autism, and it is very difficult because they cannot even use the bathroom without fear of leaving the child alone – anyone with an autistic child knows what I mean by that…alone time equals danger or disaster in many cases.

I don’t really know where I am going with this. It’s not a real “feel good” blog today, but it is how I am feeling. I have been thinking about the future a lot lately, and trying not to panic. There have been many positive changes for our bunch this year. Nicolas started talking just 2 months or so into the Spectrum Balance Protocol, and that is nothing short of miraculous! For every blessing I want to be sure to turn back and praise the Lord!! When I think about reversing autism, I have always pictured them just waking up one day and being “normal” so to speak. But it isn’t like that at all. The truth is, recovery takes work and time…lots of it. Now that Nicolas is talking, he has to make up for many lost years.  He has been like a two year old for his entire life, and at the age of ten he has a lot of catching up to do. We have had such amazing success on this protocol after trying so many others, yet still I find myself wondering how the children are going to be in a few years. Will the progress continue? Will they catch up to others their age, albeit slowly? Once puberty hits and the testosterone kicks in, will the boys become even more aggressive and out of control? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I can pray and trust God to handle things. This is what I tell myself: Surely He has not brought us so far to leave us high and dry. He has a purpose for our lives….a divine plan that we do not know right now. And I have to be okay with that.

In the meantime, we are still doing our part by keeping the kids on the SBP diet for the fifth month in a row now, using chiropractic and homeopathy to keep them healthy, and trying to keep a positive outlook. It is hard sometimes to be cheery when everything seems to be falling apart all around you, but it is essential to not stay gloomy for long. Now that we have a teenager and two pre-teens in the house, it adds a new level of interesting to an already crazy situation. Our oldest is fourteen and our youngest is six months now. I thank God that she is a good teenager so far and the most I can complain about is a bad attitude and a messy room; far less trouble than I gave my parents at that age!

I have started studying midwifery again and began a part time apprenticeship on January 6^th this year. It gives me a much needed outlet, and since I am used to being up all the time anyway, the lack of sleep is not a huge issue to me. I have found it refreshing to be home with my kids and still able to go on a few births each month. I guess it sounds like a funny outlet, but midwifery has been in my heart for a long time now. I am starting to discover that following your dreams is very important. After all, no one is going to make them happen but you! There is still a little fear when I walk out the door, but I am learning to trust that the children will be fine with Daddy, Grammy, their respite provider, and their big sister…whoever happens to be there when I am called away. There is always two or more around to help watch the kids, so for once in my life I can get a breather. But there will be no spa days for me! That’s right I decided to choose the long tiring hours of a student midwife as my outlet…ironic isn’t it? I guess I am just use to having a lot going on all the time now. I don’t think I could’ve done it five years ago though. I guess everything truly does have a season!

I’m sure most parents of children with autism also worry about the future. It can be a bit scary. My vision for the future is hazy right now because I don’t know how the kids will be in terms of functioning levels. I see us on a farm somewhere with a few goats, some chickens and a big garden. Perhaps the children who are still at home can learn to care for the animals and the land. I can be the local midwife and Kevin will hopefully be able to work from home much of the time so we can live out in the boonies. It’s a nice vision, but only God knows how much of it will come true. I am a mother first and a mother  till the end and have vowed to do whatever I have to do to give my children the best life possible.

Thanks for listening to my thoughts today. It has been a crazy month here at the Brock house. We are only just getting back on schedule since I have returned in March from my visit to see my grandfather for the last time, and then attend his funeral just a few days later. The kids didn’t know what to do without me for the week! It was the first time I have ever been away, and I am proud to say that I have trained them well. My oldest girl really stepped up to the plate and helped run the house while I was gone. I am truly blessed!

Like I said before, it is important not to be gloomy for too long, and most of the time I do not stay this way. But it has been a rough few weeks here and I am set on being authentic for the first time by sharing my true feelings and not putting on a fake happy face. People always want to know how you are feeling, but rarely do they want the real answer. Well we all need to vent sometimes, and I am at the point where I will no longer be a people pleaser because my real friends and the family members that matter will understand anyway. I wish you all the same level of honesty and peace in your relationships…God bless you and be well until next time!